And I'm not talking about potatoes!
There is a scummy underbelly lurking around the village, but no one will take responsibility for it. On the surface, the big houses, the long drives and the manicured gardens make it the perfect place to live. But unlike me, many of our neighbours never set foot outside their properties to see what really goes on. They zoom off in their fancy cars, to return after dark, totally unaware of the daily grind and grime.
My office faces the lane, so I see it all. Between 8.45 and 9.15am, and again between 3 and 4pm, it becomes a race track. Keep your pets indoors, don't walk in the lane, and certainly don't try to turn right. For the School Mums Cometh. At some speed, in rather large cars. Stand back against the hedge, get out of the way.
And woe betide you if your delivery arrives at those times, and holds up the torrent for a few minutes.
So, provided you don't want to leave your home at school dropping off and picking up times, walking in the village is a pleasure, isn't it? Well, no. You have to avoid the dog poo, the litter, the dodgy man with step ladders on his roof, the hugely busy road to the A3 which bisects the village.
OK, so we know the risks, let's just get on with it. Mind the potholes, there's another one. Whoops, that cyclist will have a nasty bump on his head.
Beware the 'stalker cat' (thanks to BB for the phrase), get the Boxer dogs in the car. Drive to the woods. Don't look at the strange chap in his car, or the odd one boxing the trees. Step over the used condoms and little bags of discarded cannabis. Avoid the 'dingly dell' where the grown men meet.
Phew, it's a gorgeous day. The sun is shining. The dogs are enjoying their sniff around. But, what's that? NO, LEAVE IT! Who would leave a pile of vomit in the woods? The mind boggles.
Step over more dog poo, don't get annoyed by the bulging poo bags hanging in the trees. Remember to bring more bin bags with you next time.
Now, what's this? A ginormous pile of broken glass, wood, nails, broken buckets - an old garden shed perhaps? Dumped in the woods, blocking the footpath and bridleway. Eight days for the council to clear it, because 'it isn't a big problem' in our area. Well, I beg to differ. It's the third time in 6 months.
Look, it's not rocket science. It's not law-abiding citizens flytipping, dogging and doing dope. It's the bad breath of society, which has found its way to this quiet spot in Surrey, and seems intent on making its home here.
Well, not on my turf. And next time I see you, you'll have the Boxer dogs to deal with.