Pointless?

What is the point of my blog? Am I blogging in the wind? Does anyone care? Sometimes, it feels as though I'm in a dream (or nightmare), shouting my loudest but no sound comes out. And yet, the newspapers are full of the same stories, so I know people want to read about, but just not interact with it. Death and dying. 

There was this last week. And today there is this in The Guardian, tweeted by @DyingMatters. I know this. Anyone who has lost someone to cancer should know this. A fellow Mumsnet blogger and her Mum have already decided this. In many, NOT all cases, cancer treatment is futile. It makes you ill, robs you of a quality of life, gives you false hope.

Let's be clear. We are grateful that the oncologist looking after Mom thought it was worth a try of chemo, and in her case, it did stabilise her and gave us four extra months with her. But when we were told that the tumours had not responded and that there was a marginal chance with another chemo regime, we thought long and hard and decided against it.

A hypnotherapist worked with Mom. We were lucky to have a doctor in the family to guide us. We talked about death, and Mom's wishes. We were prepared. But here's the crucial thing, Mom's own oncologist and her GP did not have the balls to talk to her about death. Shame on them. They should have.

I thank God every day that my husband (a doctor) gave us the insight to deal with Mom's death. So, as long as you are reading, even if you don't feel able to comment, please know that you are not alone. I do know how you feel.

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NOTES ON DEATH AND DYING

Now, this is not about the end. This is about a beginning, an enlightenment. Death is part of life, ashes to ashes and all that. The fact is, however, that sometimes cancer will take our loved ones too soon. It is painful and sad, and very hard to bear.

I can honestly say, though, that the five weeks I spent with my mother before her death, were the most precious I have had and probably will ever know. It was such a privilege to be with her, and to have the time to get to know her as a woman and not just as my Mom.

I read extensively on palliative care and the hospice movement, so that we could implement this for Mom at home (weblinks at the end). The first thing to say is that Mom embraced hypnotherapy as a means of conquering her fear and panic about dying. Her pain was well controlled, she enjoyed eating and drinking, and woke each morning happy to be alive. This meant so much to us as we were drawn to her peace and calm.

Secondly, we discussed openly the process of dying. This is not appropriate for everyone, but Mom asked us to be honest with her and I promised to tell her when she was dying (although in the end, she knew and it was in her control). We planned Mom's funeral, chose hymns and prayers (Mom's favourite in another post).

We took the time to tell all the family and as many of Mom's friends as possible, that Mom was nearing the end. So many people made the effort to come and say good-bye, for which we were so grateful.

The close family prepared for Mom's death by making sure that we had said everything, and most importantly, we wanted Mom to know that we would be OK. Giving your loved one permission to die is a most precious final gift :

(Final Gifts by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley

http://www.maggiecallanan.com/interview_bedard.pdf).

Other helpful information :

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Endoflife/Dyingwithcancer/Attheendoflife.aspx

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Documents/GetInvolved/Campaigns/Endoflife/AlwaysThere.pdf

End-of-life strategy to ensure quality care for dying patients - Nursing Times

http://www.nursingtimes.net 29 July2008

End-of-Life Care: Questions and Answers - National Cancer Institute

http://www.cancer.gov/

Letting Go: What should medicine do when it can't save your life?

Atul Gawande http://www.newyorker.com/ 02 August 2010