Go with the flow

I predict that I will be busy this year. I know that I won't be able to do everything on time and to perfection. I'm hoping that 80% will be good enough for most things. I do have to rely on others for some things, and because of this, my New Year's Resolution will be to 'go with the flow'. 

Mr B is suitably sceptical, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I intend to be more zen. To stick my fingers in my ears (metaphorically speaking) when I am in the company of negative people. And to smile and nod when someone says something quite daft and obviously confrontational.

You will get no rise from me this year. I will not rant (much). I will instead respond with barbed blog posts to show my displeasure.

I will also praise and thank more. I will be grateful for gestures of kindness, and I will reciprocate.

I will endeavour to be a light, which will attract other like-minded people.

But, above all, I will breathe deeply, count to ten, and simply 'go with the flow'.

See 'Be More Dog' at Surrey Life blogs.

I'm missing my Mom

Perhaps I was a bit harsh last week. I was feeling particularly vulnerable. It’s my birthday this week and I’m missing my Mom. My Dad has been leaning quite heavily on me and the emotional strain is getting a bit hard to bear. I look at him and I can see his pain. He is so lonely, in his quiet house, with his burnt toast and new towels. He is being so brave, I wish I could do more for him. The truth is, I find it difficult going to his house, seeing it just as Mom left it. Seeing Dad trying to keep her plants alive. He has even tried to make some of her recipes. He tries to keep everything neat and tidy, and clean, but he even struggles to deal with the daily post, let alone keep on top of the financial stuff.

We knew it would be like this after Mom died. We shared the last five weeks or so of her life, as her body gave in to the lung cancer. She talked to me about it at length, with some humour, too. Dad depended on Mom more than he realised, although he always appeared to be the dominant partner. The worst part of Dad’s grief is that he will not accept help from anyone. He doesn’t want to inconvenience me. And I want to help. I need to help.

Birthdays, anniversaries and special dates are always going to be difficult. This is my first birthday since Mom died and I really don’t know whether to celebrate or ignore it. This is what grief feels like. This is why it feels different from depression. I know the tearfulness will pass after my birthday. I can see the future, and I am enjoying the new experiences life is giving me at the moment.

Tulip Orange Emperor, Lesley Beeton

When you are ready for it, you will see the positive in your life. Special people will brighten your day. New experiences will come your way. Be open to the possibilities. It’s another way of saying de-clutter your life, be ready for the next chapter.

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De-clutter your life

I am not a life coach or counsellor. I'm not even a really friendly ear. I'm outspoken and honest. And I say this, de-clutter your lives. Do it now. Do not surround yourself with people who are negative and unrewarding. Do not be sucked into the vortex by the time thieves. Stand firm against the energy drains.

There was a care-free time when I had time for everyone and everything. I could chatter away to a soup ladle at a dinner party (that's a euphemism for someone else's boring husband). I worked overtime at work, especially at dissertation time when stressed Undergraduates are tearing their hair out trying to get everything done before Finals and Graduation. I said yes to charity events, just helping out here and there. I agreed to cater for family gatherings large and small; people who, I might add, have not been seen or heard from since Mom's funeral.

I remained cheerful throughout Mom's illness, not wanting to bring other people down. Some friends did ask more probing questions, but most backed off from the details. As Mom's death approached, people close to the family could be divided into two groups: those who wanted to say good-bye, and those who couldn't. We never judged anyone, but I know it saddened Mom.

Colourful flowers, photo collage,
April 2012, Lesley Beeton

And in the aftermath of Mom's death, the next step in the grieving process is all about making a fresh start. It can be comforting to keep things as they were, but that way of life no longer exists if an important person is missing. I have made an effort to try something new (photography) and to meet new people - Twitter has been great for this, with two Tweet-ups under my belt already. But, in order to make space for all these new experiences, I have had to re-evaluate who and what to keep in my life. The process is not yet complete, but there are already a few people who won't be on my Christmas card list this year. Several years ago, my New Year's resolution was 'say no and mean it'; I'm re-deploying this one now. The plan is to surround myself with positive people and experiences, and to make time for lovely, supportive friends and family. 

You wouldn't keep old stuff in the loft for twenty years, would you? Well, OK, maybe you would, but now is the time to de-clutter. Bin your old stuff, feel the energy, move on with your life.

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The positive power of people

Isn't it funny how some people have such positive insight? Throughout our experience of Mom's illness I have been amazed, delighted and encouraged by strangers. Sometimes, it's easier to tell a stranger how you really feel, perhaps we sub-conciously choose the people we talk to. 

I met someone recently who asked after Mom and was saddened to hear that she had died. We talked for a while and then she told me that her Mum has dementia and is in a home, being well cared for but very poorly. She has been that way for a few years and it is exhausting, both physically and emotionally for the whole family.

She asked about my work and was surprised to hear that I had given up my job to look after Mom. And as I was on a fixed-term contract and chose to leave the contract early, my employers were not obliged to offer me any other employment. So, here I am, forty-something, changing career, doing something so out of my comfort zone that I get quite frightened if I think about it.

And here's the thing, this (almost) stranger looked me in the eye and said 'Nonsense'. She told me that the loss of a parent is such a significant event that it is quite often life-changing. She's right. I could never have gone back to my old job and sat in the same office with the people I never told about Mom's illness. I had to move on, look for new challenges, like a re-birth she said. Wow, what an important fifteen minutes that was, and all in passing as I was just finishing my swim and she was just getting started.

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